I am six years old. I am in the backyard of a villa in Al Jumeirah, Dubai. I am naked and I can feel the sun radiating every inch of my body. I am holding Mr. Bunny’s ears and scorning him in a language only I can understand. Then for the first time I hear it, a low painful cry, my mother’s cry. I am confused. How did I get here again? How did you get here Grace? What can you last remember? I feel frustrated and I begin to feel anxious. The cry comes again through my mother’s balcony door. I glared at Mr. Bunny. Although I did not remember the reason of my contempt for him at that moment, Mr. Bunny knew. Looking into his lazy, unconcerned eyes, I bop him in the head hoping he feels remorse. I jump up and run towards my mom’s room. My older brother Steve is standing in front of the door to my parent’s room. I stand beside him and ask him in a very serious tone “attuhhummah”? Unresponsive, I felt frustrated, motivating me to bop him in the head. Always mature and calm, Steve grabs me by the hand towards my room. As he starts to dress me, he explains calmly “baby died”. I could feel my body begin to freeze and unknowingly began to pee.
Sometimes when someone tells me their sibling got all the good genes I smile to myself because in my case, there’s some truth to that saying. My devout Christian mother has always been very tiny. Although my eldest brother, Steve was born a healthy child, when doctors confirmed she was pregnant with me, they suggested I be aborted. Her body could not provide all the nourishment I needed, and the chances I would be a stillbirth or mentally/physically challenged were very high. My family disregarded the doctor’s concerns, and my mother put my fate in her God’s hands. I was born 5 pounds, malnourished, with an underdeveloped brain. Until the age of 8, I struggled with frequent memory loss and did not form proper speech until the age of 14.
Recently, while scrolling through the New York Times, I came across Perez-Pena’s article Christie’s Conservatism is Not Just Economic. As Perez-Pena criticizes Governor Christie’s (of New Jersey) right winged, conservative acts he began to discuss Governor Chris Christie’s outlook on abortion. While state of New Jersey began looking for different budgets to cut, Governor Christie took the opportunity to immediately decrease plant parenthood budgets, indirectly dissuading women from having abortions. Although abortion is legal, and even in our liberal generation, there are still politicians and religious advocates fighting to stop abortion and abortion clinics. A bit angered it began to remind me of my family and how their religious outlook on abortion was no different from Governor Christie’s. Past memories of Dubai began to flood my thoughts, and I began feeling a bit torn apart.
I can remember how invaluable and stupid I felt not being able to communicate like other children and constantly forgetting how I got from point A to point B. I remember how lonely it was. But I realize I have been given a chance. Because my family did not stand for abortion as it is not apart of Korean culture nor was it okay by God, I was given a chance. But then my mind wanders as to how my mother must have felt. Trapped by her duties to her religion, she had no choice. It would be God’s will. Seven months before she had my youngest brother, doctors had warned her, his birth could lead to her death but her best case would be another “challenged” child. I wonder if my mother resented her God for having a disabled daughter who got lost often in large markets. I wonder how a mother feels knowing she might have to die before she could raise her children. I try to grasp how my mother must have felt after spending sleepless nights watching baby Mathew through his incubator. I can only contemplate how my mom felt lying in bed mourning a lost son who only felt the pains of death for his short three-month life.
In past conversations my mother has admitted if she had her way she would have aborted me and there probably wouldn’t have been a Mathew afterwards. I’m always confused to hear my mother say this. I have never questioned my mother’s relentless love for me and I understand at the time, doctors believed my stem cells would never develop a full functioning brain. I understand raising a disabled person must be excruciating but I also understand the lump that forms in my throat. And at that instance I am grateful she did not have a choice because I was given a chance. But reading Perez-Pena’s article I begin to feel guilty. Governor Christie’s attempt to strip mothers of a choice to abort her child or not because of his views seems unethical. Lowering funding for plant parenthoods, he’s financially disabling possible mothers from aborting and restricting them from contraceptives. Although I did not support Governor Christie’s tactics, I started wondering what makes abortion okay?
I began to research in hopes a certain claim would help me choose a side. In a recent article in the New York Times, Elisabeth Rosenthal concludes in her article Legal or Not, Abortion Rates Compare that abortion rates in countries where abortions are legal and illegal are very similar. Her studies indicated that over 20 million abortions take place in countries where it is illegal. (Rosenthal 1) But because the law restricts them, most of these abortions are done through unsanitary procedures greatly putting the women at risk. Although I empathized with these women, I felt unsatisfied. Legalizing abortion in these countries seems rational, but my question about abortion began to change. As oppose to what makes abortion legal or okay, I think my real question lied within what makes abortion morally acceptable? Professor Hugh V. McLachlan (an author and professor of law and social sciences) in his article Body, Rights and Abortion focuses on anti-abortionists claims that although we have complete ownership over one’s person the same could not be said about our body. Professor McLachlan concludes that “Whether or not we own our bodies and/or our bodily capacities, we can still have rights and duties concerning them.” (McLachlan 179)
Unstatisfied with my research, I began to look at my issue with Perez-Pena’s article of Governor Christie. I began to wonder if religious advocates like Governor Christie and my family could not accept abortion, was that really the outlook of the church and the authorities of it? I came across and article interviewing ministers of the church and their views on abortion. Interestingly enough most ministers did not condemn all abortions. On minister exclaimed
“I’m in favor of legal abortions in instances of rape, incest, or where the health of the mother is (jeopardized)… it can’t be eliminated. What has happened, though, is that this has exploded, where people are getting abortions for all kinds of reasons… I’m against abortion on demand; I think it’s a sin…I’m pro-life. (Jelen 136)
Ironically enough, most of the ministers in the article had similar beliefs. They were open to the idea that not all life is black and white, which was settling enough.
The more I thought of my experience with abortion the more I realized everything is relative. My circumstance was a miracle and even at that it was painful for my mother and I. All too often growing up, I hated my life. I hated I could not talk to other children, I hated Mr. Bunny was my only friend especially since he was mean. I resented me. Although my mother would never admit it, I think at times she could have resented me too. I had doctors appointments every week, got lost everywhere and anywhere, my mother had no time for anything but me. My circumstance was a miracle because I was able to grow out of my disability. But I imagine if I had not, my mother would not be the vibrant, gooshy mother she is for me today.
If my mother had a choice nineteen years ago, I would not be here. Although I am grateful to be alive, I can still hear her devastated cry standing outside her bedroom door. I can still remember how weary she looked whenever she found me lost. Every case is relative. My family and Governor Christie outlook on the issue of abortion is all to black and white. Although I thought I would have a more concrete side on abortion by the end of this paper, I believe most of the issues in life fall under a grey area. There seems to be no clear answer but to understand everyone’s choice must be relative to one’s own happiness.
Work Cited
McLachlan, H. V. "Bodies, Rights and Abortion." Journal of Medical Ethics 23.3 (1997): 176-80. JSTOR. Web. 20 Apr. 2011.
Perez-Pena, Richar. "Christie’s Conservatism Is Not Just Economic." Nytimes.com. 17 Apr. 2011. Web. 19 Apr. 2011.
Jelen, Ted G. "The Clergy and Abortion." Review of Religious Research 34.2 (1992). JSTOR. Web. 2 May 2011.
Rosenthal, Elisabeth. "Legal or Not, Abortion Rates Compare - NYTimes.com." The New York Times - Breaking News, World News & Multimedia. 12 Oct 2007. Web. 02 May 2011.
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