Essay 4.0

I am six years old. I am in the backyard of a villa in Al Jumeirah, Dubai. I am naked and I can feel the sun radiating ever inch of my body. I am holding Mr. Bunny’s ears and scorning him in a language only I can understand. Then for the first time I hear it, a low painful cry, my mother’s cry. I am confused. How did I get here again? How did you get here Grace? What can you last remember? I feel frustrated and I begin to feel anxious. The cry comes again through my mother’s balcony door. I glared at Mr. Bunny. Although I could not remember the reason of my contempt for him at that moment, Mr. Bunny knew. Looking into his lazy, unconcerned eyes, I bop him in the head hoping he feels remorse. I jump up and run towards my mom’s room. My older brother Steve is standing in front of the door to my parent’s room. I stand beside him and ask him in a very serious tone “attuhhummah”?  Unresponsive, I did what I did best when I was frustrated. I bopped him in the head. Always mature and calm, my brother took me by the hand towards my room. As he began to dress me, he explained calmly “baby died”. I froze up and began to pee.

Sometimes when someone tells me their sibling got all the good genes I smile to myself because in my case, there’s some truth to that saying. My very Christian mother has always been very tiny. When doctors confirmed she was pregnant with me, they suggested I be aborted. Her body could not provide all the nourishment I needed, and the chances I would be a stillbirth or mentally/physically challenged were very high. My family disregarded the doctors concerns, and my mother put my fate in her God’s hands. I was born 5 pounds, malnourished, with an underdeveloped brain. Till the age of 8, I struggled with frequent memory loss and did not form proper speech till the age of 14.  

Reading Perez-Pena’s article Christie’s Conservatism is Not Just Economic I find myself with a confused outlook on abortion. As Perez-Pena criticizes Govenor Christie’s (of New Jersey) right winged, conservative act on lowering funds for planned parenthoods, I find myself recalling memories of Dubai. I remember how invaluable and stupid I felt not being able to communicate like other children and constantly forgetting how I got from point A to point B. I remember how lonely it was. But I realize I have been given a chance. Because my family did not stand for abortion as it is not apart of Korean culture nor was it okay by God, I was given a chance. But then my mind wanders as to how my mother must have felt. Trapped by her duties to her religion, she had no choice. It would be God’s will. Seven months before she had my youngest brother, doctors had warned her, his birth could lead to her death but her best case would be another “challenged” child. I wonder if my mother resented her God for having a disabled daughter who got lost often in large markets. I wonder how a mother felt knowing she might have to die before she could raise her children. I try to grasp how my mother must have felt after spending sleepless nights watching baby Mathew through his incubator. I can only contemplate how my mom felt lying in bed mourning a lost son who only felt the pains of death for his short three-month life. 

In past conversations my mother has admitted if she had her way she would have aborted me and there probably wouldn’t have been a Mathew afterwards. I’m always confused to hear my mother say this. I have never questioned my mother’s relentless love for me and I understand at the time, doctors believed my stem cells would never develop a full functioning brain. I understand raising a disabled person must be excruciating but I also understand the lump that forms in my throat.  And at that instance I am grateful she did not have a choice because I was given a chance. But reading Perez-Pena’s article I begin to feel guilty. Governor Christie’s attempt to strip mothers of a choice to abort her child or not because of his views seems unethical. Lowering funding for plant parenthoods, he’s financially disabling possible mothers from aborting and restricting them from contraceptives. I realize everything is relative. My circumstance was a miracle and even at that it was painful for my mother and I. All too often growing up, I hated my life. I hated I could not talk to other children, I hated Mr. Bunny was my only friend especially since he was mean. I resented me. Although my mother would never admit it, I think at times she could have resented me too. I had doctors appointments every week, got lost everywhere and anywhere, my mother had no time for anything but me. My circumstance was a miracle because I was able to grow out of my disability. But I imagine if I had not, my mother would not be the vibrant, gooshy mother she is for me today.

If my mother had a choice nineteen years ago, I would not be here. Although I am grateful to be alive, I can still hear her devastated cry standing outside her bedroom door. I can still remember how weary she looked whenever she found me lost. Every case is relative. Conservative Governor Christie’s seems to look at the issue of Planned Parenthood and abortion through a black and white mentality. Although I thought I would have a more concrete side on abortion by the end of this paper, I believe most of the issues in life fall under a grey area. There seems to be no clear answer but to understand everyone’s choice must be relative to their own happiness.